You know the character Hugh Grant used to play variations on? The guy in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" or "Notting Hill" who, while somewhat amusing as he does it, tends to ramble on and on without being able to stop himself?
I channel that behavior an alarming percentage of the time when leaving a voice message. It's as if the beep of the answering machine queues my inner Manchurian Candidate, and what should be a relatively simple activity -- "Hi, JT. Just checking in. I'll call later." -- more closely resembles an oral roller coaster.
It starts out innocently. Then, somehow, I find myself steadily pulling further and further from the simplicity of the act, until everything tips and I'm hurtling toward a tangential freak show of verbosity. Part of my brain is demanding "Just shut. Up." Sadly, that part has little control over my mouth.
So what comes out is something like: "Hi, JT. Just calling to see how you're doing. It's been two weeks since the latest round of strep throat turned your house into a den o' pestilence, so I figured someone's due to get sick soon. NOT that I'm trying to jinx you. But Lord knows the weirdest things happen to you. Who else runs into J-Lo in the mall, for Pete's sake? I mean seriously. And then has her son ask why they keep calling that woman Jello? Or leaves her phone in a hotel where it's picked up by a member of the president's security detail? [Inner Sane Toni is yelling "Abort! Abort!"] But ANYWAY just calling to say --" BEEP!
Having been cut off by the end of the tape or the five-minute max on the voice mail service, I am left with nothing to do but stare at the phone and wonder why, why do I do that? I sat in a room and negotiated a piece of pipeline safety legislation with oil company representatives. I've won awards for extemporaneous speaking. Gift of gab have I, my friend. Oh, yes.
But, apparently, as all girls learn from fairy tales, there is a catch with the gift. A caveat. A stipulation. A sine qua non, y'all.
The listener must be alive.
-30-
11 comments:
I do the SAME thing. What is up with that? Like you said, though, it's not as if I use much discretion in my words at any other time... why start when I have the whole answering machine to myself?
Oh, I totally do that, too. And then, what's worse, is when the machine cuts me off I feel obligated to call back and say, "I'm SO sorry I rambled on so long and it had to cut me off. I should've just said it was Kim. It was kim, by the way. The one who rambles. Sorry about that ..." and then I get cut off again, in the end. It's so embarrassing.
yep, same thing. i don't know if you've ever watched "sex and the city," but there's an episode where carrie makes a phone call and ends up getting cut off by the machine, and the look on her face is PRICELESS. and it occurs to me as i'm typing this comment that i do the same thing with comments that i do on answering machines, which is to go on...and on...and on with no real purpose, other than perhaps referencing a tv show that you've never even seen.
uh-huh.
I have a friend, pretty wordy in person, but when she leaves a "message" she goes on and on and on, seriously sometimes for as long as 5 minutes. I literally walk around, letting the dog out, go through the mail, etc. and the idea that she talked to me as if I was just standing there and it wasnt a machine so fascinates me I tend to keep the message and let the family hear it - really a piece of work if you think about it just right. I tend to talk as fast as I can thinking I'll get cut off, then they cant understand a single thing I said. No wonder my 94 year old MIL refuses to leave a message - at all. Smart woman.
I am so guilty of this. I leave details that no one actually needs to know or even care about, while neglecting to leave pertinent info like who is actually calling or why.
I hate the awkwardness of then deciding whether to call back and finish up or just figure, 'nuff said.
Sadly, I've done both.
By the way, hello from KY. Found you from big mama who I found from...too much blog surfing.
Anyway, you're on the list now and I look forward to spendnig 90 days reading with you soon!
I see why you've won writing awards. You are hilarious!
Yep. Me too. Exactly the same thing. It's so bad, I've decided to stop leaving messages altogether.
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